I've been at college for a while now, meaning that it's a week away from finals. Everything is reeling in my head. I've ran into a lot of personal obstacles. enough to drive me crazy, to say the least. Granted, most of them, nay, all of them have undoublty been in due to my part of the whole fiasco (each and everyone of them) and I still feel backed into a corner? It's difficult not to be an individual anymore. In high school, I graduated with less than 85 peers. Now I'm in a class of roughly 7,000. None of my professors know my name. In high school, the teachers would ask my how my brother was doing. I can not go to class, and no one would care. It's nice knowing that I'm the one pushing myself, however it gets difficult when I don't want to do something. I mean, the only opposing voice...is my own. That's been interesting.

I have made some key mistakes since I've been at college. On Friday, I was asked to write down three tips that I would give to the me from four months ago, before I started classes. My top three included staying ahead financially, remember to seperate reds and whites, and always monitor food's progress in the refrigerator. I put in a never before washed red blanket in with ALL my whites in attempt to save myself two bucks to wash it. That didn't turn out very well. And well...the third one is self explanatory.

But I'm turning to xanga to blog about my relationship issues. I told my boyfriend I loved him. Don't get me wrong, I do, but not in a I'll-promise-you-forever kind of way. Instead, i think I might have done it to ensure that he'd stay with me, out of guilt. It's not even that my life is set on him staying with me, I think I want him to stick around out of comfort. And he is very protective of the word, as I told myself i would be. He has a beautiful scene mapped out in his head of how he wants it to go, and has told it to me. I'm assuming this alludes to the fact that it will happen when I come home for winter break, and I feel terrible, I feel as though I am pushing it to happen. I didn't expect him to reciprocate it, but I would be lying if I said I didn't feel a small pang of rejection when he didn't.We got into a fight. We fight all the time, but this one was impressive. I told him I was done. We worked it out, but I brought up the suggestion for a break. Only until I was able to come home, so I would have less on my plate to worry about during final's week. He said he didn't do breaks, and I said alright. I didn't want to do it either, however it is a last ditch effort to save our relationship by putting it on the back burner. But I repeated I didn't want to do it. And then he kept pushing it, and pushing it.

 In intro to art class today, one of the teacher's assisntants took charge and taught a class on performance art. There was supposedly a guess poet at the end, and it turns out that it was him. He told us, in a broken African accent, the history of each poem. The first one entitled, Dear God which he won an award for, the second Black Muse-He told us how he fell in love with a girl on campus, and told her he loved her, however she wasn't ready for a relationship, and they should slow down. He wanted to inscibe his feelings in a poem. And to make sure that he could portray those exact feelings, he had to isolate himelf from her. Not wanting to isolate himself for too long, in fear she would leave, he had to do so quickly, however nothing was coming to him, and he said he needed a black muse. The third poem was entitled, Let's give it a try, Amy. He told us that he had never perfomed that poem before. And how she was in the audience. He asked to stand up. He read the poem. It was beautiful.

I feel like a cheap affectionate mimicry of love in comparison to him. He promised her forever. Promised her love. I can't do that. I don't know what to do. It hurts. I almost cried. It is my favorite class session.